I Want to Live Outside of the Box

I was telling some of my awesome friends yesterday about what my plans are for my future. Plans such as opening up a non-profit organization in some inner-city like Compton or someplace similar, working with the youth from the community and just trying to provide a safe-haven for them; just a place where they wouldn't be tempted by things they might be tempted by out in the streets. But after telling my friends my plans I began to really think about what I had just really done.

I was limiting God's involvement in my life by saying what my plans and desires are for my future. I put myself into a box, if you will, by saying that thats what I want to do. I don't want to do what I want to do, I want to do what God had specifically designed me to do while I was still in my mother's womb. I am pretty sure I have written in a previous post that while I was in Africa I felt a real purpose in my life, but that I wasn't sure what the exact purpose was and that it didn't matter to me because God's purpose for my life would be so much more excellent and perfect than anything my finite mind would ever be able to conjure up. Well, apparently I had lost my perspective at some point since then and yesterday. I no longer desire to outline what my future life will look like, I now want to simply put my life into God's hands, I want Him to direct my every step.

I am self-conscious, and nervous person when it comes to certain things in life (some of you know this to be true more than others), but I am confident in saying that God has a specific purpose and plan for my life and that His plan is so much more magnificent than anything I could ever want to do. But even while I say that, although I believe it, I can't help but feel some doubts rising inside of me. I guess I just need to follow the example of the Roman Centurion (at least thats what I think the guy was) that asked for Jesus to come to his house and heal his sick child. Jesus asked him if he believed that he (Jesus) would be able to heal his child, the Centurion answered "I do believe, but help my unbelief." Everytime I heard that story before I just thought that that was a truly idiotic thing to say "I believe, but help my unbelief." What does that even mean? Until yesterday, I would have been incapable of answering that question, but now I feel that I really do know what the Roman Centurion was saying and I feel exactly as he did. I believe God has something extraordinary planned for me, but there are still some doubts in the back of my mind about that. I need help with my unbelief.

I don't want my own insecurities to be what hold me back from God's true calling on my life. I don't want my doubts in God's plan for my life to make me plan my own future. My life really isn't my own anyways, since I only wake up each morning because God allows me to, so I might as well allow Him to lead my life where He wants it to go. I don't want to live my life in a box constructed of my own wants, plans, and desires. I want anything and everything God has for me in this life He has given me. I want for me what He wants for me. I want to live where He wants me to live. I want to live my life the way He wants me to live my life wherever He puts me, doing whatever He gives me to do.